Every End is a New Beginning
by Dreamingsinger
Summary: When the Eleventh Doctor is fatally injured and then soon regenerates, how might Amy feel and react to the situation? Her childhood imaginary friend is leaving her again, but this time forever and it's pretty horrific. Please read and review.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer - I don't own Doctor Who or the characters. The BBC does. I'm just borrowing them to write fanfiction; which I make no profit from at all.**

** Author's Notes - This the the first brand new fan fic I've done in a long time, and the first I've ever tried doing for Doctor Who. If people actually like this one I might white more of them. This one is compete as it is though, as I don't wish to create an AU twelfth Doctor as a detailed character. In the brief time he exists here, I have purposely left him very vague. The biggest reason Rory is not in the story is because I started to think up the plot before the season five finale aired. Thus I still thought he was dead, and later thought it worked well still assuming he had never returned. **

**Sure everyone is a bit out of character, most likely the Doctor especially so. My intention was to show that he probably has a side not seen much on the show. He can get scared too, like anyone else. **

Amy sat on the floor of the console room fighting what she knew was a losing battle with the tears that threatened to fall freely from her eyes. She shook from the shock of the horrible and almost deadly encounter outside and from the dead run back to the TARDIS with the sound of furious beating enormous wings at their backs the whole way. The escape had been a narrow one. Certainly the narrowest escape from anything she had yet encountered since leaving Leadworth. River Song had made it back safely too, she recalled absently, trying to piece together the event in her mind and to comprehend it in the right order. She recalled seeing her shooting at the furious flying beasts with the gun that she carried. That quick action was what had saved her. The Doctor had not been so lucky that time.

He always got away, Amy stubbornly repeated many times in her mind, letting the thought play itself out until it was exhausted. He always escaped from everything she had ever seen him faced with. There had been minor injuries of course, and even more than one instance of finding him unconscious. But he always quickly got back up again and kept right on going like nothing had happened. Never had she seen him in anywhere near a state this bad. One side of his face was badly bruised and bleeding. There was blood covering the left side and part of the front of his jacket. He had fallen to the floor into an awkward position when she and River had helped him back inside and it was clear he had serious damage to one leg. Under his shredded left pant-leg, the many deep and bleeding scratches caused by horrible claws were viable. It was shocking that he'd managed to walk back at all, even with a great amount of assistance.

She looked down at her clothing and saw blood on the front of her pink sweater. She was terrified for a very brief moment until she came to her senses and realized that she herself was not bleeding and injured. Then she gasped in shocked horror at the amount of blood that was everywhere it shouldn't be. She could hear River speaking out loud but mostly to herself very close by, saying that perhaps they should try to move him to a more comfortable place such as a bedroom, and then saying right away that she had decided it would be best to not move him again. He'd fallen to the floor as soon as it was remotely safe to stop struggling, and she was concerned that just hitting the floor hard might have done more damage. She tried to move him into what would logically be a slightly more comfortable position, and to stop as much of the bleeding as she possiblly could. He shouted incoherently and only partly consciously in pain. He had been in a state of complete detachment from anything as they'd made their way back; shutting out anything and everything. Now he was starting to come back, and in his state of physical and mental shock, not even trying to block anything. This made Amy shake harder. She could only sit helplessly where she was on the floor and stop herself forcefully from begging her to please stop hurting him worse. For what seemed like forever, in her mind there was only the helplessness, the state of her childhood hero in such horrifying pain, and the sound of terrible things outside trying relentlessly to get in. She dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands and tried to block out everything.

Amy recalled clearly as if it had been only the day before, hearing the strange and amazing blue box crash land in her back yard. Only seven years old and afraid only of cracks in walls and not a stranger crashing in a strange box into a garden shed, she had run from the house to see, in her curious innocence what had happened. When to her greatest shock, a man climbed out of the box, she thought he might have been hurt. He wasn't - just slightly off balance, more concerned about her than for himself, and barely noticing that his clothing had seen far better days. She had laughed a little when he said that his box was a time machine and hinted that it was so much bigger inside. The memory of that long ago night now gave her a small amount of comfort. A box could not have engines, and it certainly could not travel in time. Yet his box vanished from her yard, though it made no sense that it could have. Five minutes he'd said. Five minutes and he'd be right back. It was not until twelve years had passed and she'd grown up that he'd returned, and right away he'd needed her to help him. Help him or at the very least stay out of the way. She felt horrible now upon realizing that she'd never actually told him she'd forgiven him long ago for being so late. She thought he must have known it already, or simply forgotten all about it. But some things should not have to go without saying.

She heard the sound of the engines, as the TARDIS started to move. For a moment she was confused. How was it moving at all. River must have set it into motion and then let it dematerialize. She'd completely forgotten that there was someone else, aside from the Doctor, who was able to fly it. She felt intense relief at being away from the strange and brutal beasts that would have undoubtably tried to get inside had they not taken off. She had forgotten all about hearing them outside, flapping their wings, shrieking and scratching, until she felt the relief of escaping.

She looked at the Doctor's wide open eyes. They blinked slowly, and then blinked again, as though he was trying hard to snap himself out of his dazed shock and come back to the present. He was more fully awake now, having finally brought himself back as close to reality as she knew he likely could. She hoped he would fall into unconsciousness. She could barely even imagine the amount of pain he must be in, but judging from his screaming and resistance of River's earlier attempts to move him just a little bit, she knew it was more than she'd ever seen anyone in before. Those creatures they had had the misfortune of a run in with had done nothing to hide the fact that they meant to brutally kill him. He'd been lifted from the ground, held by huge and razor sharp claws, dropped at least forty feet to the ground below, and picked up again before being thrown to a second of the terrible bird-beasts, who then dropped him again. It was unclear whether they intended to tear him apart with their beaks and claws, or kill him by dropping him several times; but nevertheless it was horrific. He gasped for breath a little as the true extent of the pain began to register in his mind as more than just a semi-conscious feeling, or dreamlike state. But instead of passing out completely, though he was on the verge of doing so, he was determined to wake himself up. His eyes opened wide, this time clearly more focused, and she saw him try to turn his head to look around. He could hardly move at all, and quickly gave up and stopped trying to. River came over and quickly scanned him with the sonic screwdriver. Amy was still completely clueless as to how it could work as a medical scanner but she recalled seeing it used for such a purpose several times before. She looked at Amy sadly and slowly shook her head.

"There is far too much damage," she said. "Head and brain injuries, internal bleeding, not to mention several broken bones and other things that would normally not be so bad."

"How can he still be awake?" Amy asked, her voice shaking. She understood that her childhood friend was dying, but was so unsure how she should feel in the current moment. Should she be grateful that he might still be with them for a brief time? Or should she hope once more that he would just go off to sleep and then die peacefully and not feel anything?

"I don't think he is," she heard River say, pulling her away from her confused thoughts. "Not really. Of course he's awake and conscious, but not really all here anymore. He will be very confused and probably not able to really communicate."

Amy fought back her tears much harder now. The Doctor had always done so well at thinking fast and figuring everything out. He could talk his way out of almost anything. Words and his brilliant mind were his best means of protection and defense. She was crushed at the thought of his mind being nearly destroyed. She searched her memories for a recollection of a happy and joyous moment he'd shown her in their travels together. She wanted to remember him from a happier time, as he was supposed to be. He was reaching up with both of his hands. It was a weak effort though. She reached forward slightly to take his hands in hers, but then immediately paused, unsure if that was actually a good idea or not. Could she end up hurting him when she was only wanting to help? Maybe he was not aware of what he was doing at all, and the physical contact would scare him. She looked up at River, searching for an answer, and saw her nod her head slowly. She carefully held his hands and saw that her fears of hurting him were unfounded. Neither of them was injured save for a few scratches from landing on the rocky ground. His eyes were gaining focus and she was certain he could see her. His expression was full of fear and more pain then she'd ever seen in his eyes before.

"It's alright," she said quietly, trying to sound as calm as she possibly could. "Everything will be okay." She knew it was untrue and she felt terrible for lying to him like that, but she couldn't think of a better way to handle the situation. He half-shut his eyes and just looked sleepy and calmer. Could he understand, or did he just recognize a tone of calmness, and a human voice? Surely that was good news, in either case. Or was it? If he could understand, then he must have had quite a bit of awareness of so much else. He would make it so much easier for himself if he'd just sleep, but she could tell how hard he was still trying to stay awake and not leave her.

"You saved me again," She said. "Nothing as big as saving a world, but I'd probably have been killed if you hadn't tried to reason with and distract those things." She knew that if he could understand a thing, he would be relieved to know he'd done a good thing, and grateful that his companion was safe.

"He might not die, Amy," River's voice startled her again. She was embarrassed at her sudden jumpiness. "At least there's a chance he won't." She tried to listen to her the best that she could, but her mind was in such a mess of confusion and she could only half comprehend anything. He could save himself at the moment of death, by completely changing his entire body. The personality would be altered in part as well. The entire idea seemed however to Amy to be nearly as tragic as dying would be. She understood just enough to grasp that he would almost be an entirely new person.

She wished so badly that he'd explained this to her himself long before then. Maybe then she could have come to terms ahead of time with the idea that one day she might know him as someone different yet still in some strange way the same. She was certain however that this was just so typical of him. Never bothering to talk about something this inevitable until it was too late to really go into the proper detail. She might have laughed a little at the slight irony had she not felt so terrible.

"Unfortunately I have no idea if he can still regenerate, given his state," River said after a brief silent moment. "My only knowledge of the process is based on the few things he's explained and that I've seen. It might be a biological process that just naturally occurs before the body dies, but I fear it could require some sort of conscious will power to work. If that's the case, I'm not sure he has the comprehension to do anything to trigger the process."

She had made a very good point. Amy was sure from what she said that things were more uncertain than they normally would have been. This, she knew, could be potentially more complicated and impossible than it should have been. She saw that his eyes were still open, and had lost their focus but were trying to find it again. He looked so helpless and weak and nearly lifeless, yet fighting pain and trying to survive. She could not hold back the tears that threatened to fall this time and as memories of her childhood hope of seeing her imaginary friend again, and her wonder at learning he had finally come back for her, spilled forward in her mind, her tears at her friend leaving again fell from her eyes.

"No no no, please don't do that, Pond," the Doctor's voice was so quiet and shaky and slow, but he said something very coherent. The relief at hearing that he could speak, when River had guessed he probably couldn't only made her cry harder.

"Please don't be so upset." He held onto her hands tighter and tried to impart important information to her. "Every end is a beginning... the start of something new, but not always worse than before." His words were so slow, and it was so obvious that he had to think intently just to say everything in a sensible order, but she knew now that he was still comprehending everything. By speaking, he showed them that he was more fully still himself than had been thought. River looked intensely relieved too. She had very likely never been happier to be wrong about anything. Amy wanted to hide her tears, for fear of upsetting him, but she couldn't easily stop now that she had started crying. He smiled a little and she knew he was trying to tell her it was alright. Forming words, was as she had seen, difficult for him now and he was looking for simple ways of stating an opinion. How typical of him to always have a thought or a great insight on something or another, even if it was only the acceptability of human emotions.

River scanned over him again said something to no one in particular about how this time it was such a long process and how it normally went so much faster than this, but it looked like regeneration would eventually work after all. She assured Amy though that each time she knew was different and this was just one more very different moment before the Doctor changed again. It seemed he had changed form so many times before. Amy looked at them both sadly. Why did she have the feeling it was never easy for anyone?

"Will he remember who we are?" she asked, "After he..."

"Of course he will," River answered. She paused a moment, thinking before continuing on. "It might take a moment or two to get his mental bearings, though. It seems to be very greatly every time."

When Amy looked back at the Doctor again she saw increasing fear in the expression on his face. He saw her looking at him though and smiled a little again, and tried to hide his frightened look.

"Are you afraid?" she asked. She didn't think he would give much of an answer but hoped he might express his emotions now if he wanted to.

"No," he said. His voice was still so quiet and almost unclear, yet still coherently understandable. He sounded so tired... or like someone who'd had far too much to drink. The part of his brain that managed speech was a bit damaged, she knew. He could quite obviously still understand others though and could form clear and reasonable thoughts. He gave her what she knew if he was more himself would have been an overconfident smile to hide many of his own feelings. It was clear he was flat out lying now. She thought she should tell him that it would be alright, but she then decided not to. She had little more than a clue in regards to what was about to happen. It might have been a bigger deal than River made it out to be. Perhaps his fear was very well justified. She wanted him to simply keep his normal sense of dignified bravery. That was, she had to admit to herself, one trait she had come to admire greatly.

"Hey... Amy it's okay," the Doctor said. "I'll be fine." He held her hands tightly again. He was trying so hard to make her feel better, but she knew he was also seeking some form of comfort for himself. She wanted then to run away. Just go to the bedroom she used while on board traveling, and stay hidden away for a long time. She wanted just let River take over dealing with this for now. She was not really doing much anyway, and probably could do so much more than anyone else. Of course the Doctor didn't know her as well, but did it really matter? He knew her to an extent, and they clearly had some degree of trust in each other. All he really needed was for someone to sit with him at that point.

Amy had not so long ago been the small child that was hurriedly led away any time any sort of emergency came up in or near her home. She had been a nieve girl, as sheltered from the tragic side of life as she possibly could have been. She may have lost both of her parents as a very small girl, but that didn't mean she had ever been consciously around tragedy and pain. She used to think she was not afraid of much of anything, but now she knew that was so far from true. She was afraid now. Terrified that she had no idea what to do when someone she cared so much about really needed her to know. She knew that she had spent so much time over the last few years just trying to impress the doctor with more nerve and courage than she really had. It had so often seemed that he was not scared of anything at all, and so she wanted to never be either. Now, for the first time ever she saw her constantly brave childhood hero showing true fear, not in the face of a mortal enemy, but at the thought of his own fate. Her heart was breaking and she only wanted to run from it all. He was still holding onto both of her hands though, clearly not wanting to let go of her, not wanting her to leave him any more then she wanted him to leave her. If she ran away now, she knew she would never forgive herself.

"Amy," River said, obviously having noticed the fear and anxiety herself. "This time it might not be as easy as it should be for him." She was holding that little blue book that she seemed to always carry with her. "It must have been his most recent regeneration that was such a horrible one. Calmness is a very important thing. Seems it makes it so much easier, but for some reason he must have panicked a lot. Unfortunately now, I think it scares him."

"Oh," Amy said, as she clued into the situation more completely. She knew what to do then. She remembered the first time she had ever seen the Doctor save the Earth. She told him of her point of view of that strange and terrifying and yet exciting day and then moved on to her point of view of the next adventure. She relayed past successes, and the fun they had had between all the running. Pretty much anything she could remember, she told him about, even though he had of course been there too. She just wanted to keep talking to him while he went to the beginning stages of regeneration. He was quiet and just listened intently, with his eyes open and still looking at both of his friends.

"Are you doing alright?" she asked, pausing in the middle of her purposeful rambling, and studying him in concern.

"I want this to all be over," the Doctor said with slightly less clarity than before. "Too much pain... scared... I'm sorry..."

"Keep talking to him," River said. She was still sitting close by as well. One hand lightly brushing his bangs. "You're doing the right thing."

Amy went on speaking to him, recalling more of their adventures and memories.

"Thank you," he said finally, waiting for a pause in which to speak, "For staying around, for not running off in fear. Please don't be afraid." Her eyes flew open wider. Something was about to happen, and she didn't think she even wanted to know what it was. She looked at River and was about to ask for answers, but the Doctor caught her full attention again.

"Amelia Pond," he said, on the verge of suddenly passing out completely but trying so hard to stay awake and keep talking to her. "Trust me. I'm the doctor." His hands let go of hers and she let them fall slowly to his sides. It looked so much like he was going to die. She had to fight hard to remind herself that though it looked that way, he actually wasn't. Not quite. He'd asked her to trust him, and she would do so. River, she knew, already did. She was still sitting nearby, looking around sadly but with an underlying look of hope on her face. Amy once again wondered who she was. She knew so much but it was so unclear how and why she knew all she did.

"Amy," River said, getting up from the floor up and coming to stand behind her. She gently pulled her to her feet. "Come on. We have to get back out of the way now. Just a little ways back."

"River, what's happening?" Amy asked, her heart pounding as she stood near the far wall. The two of them hugged each other. It just seemed like the right thong to do in that moment. The Doctor was lying very still but still looked somewhat awake. A bright golden colored glow slowly surrounded his body until it looked as though he would burn up in a blaze of light. The light was rapidly changing his form, that much she understood. Oh god! She felt like saying the words out loud but she didn't. It must have hurt, how could it not? It was easy - way too easy - to imagine that it must been a state of nearly uncontrollable relentless pain, as his entire body shifted it's features. But she could see, to her greatest relief and amazement, that he didn't seem to be hurt by it. In fact it seemed he might not have been in pain from his massive and horrible injuries either anymore. His eyes were shut tightly but there was no pained expression on his face like she expected there would be. He just looked still and scared and as though he was trying not to panic. The golden yellow glow grew brighter and she could see nothing but the furious energy streams. Before she could even voice her growing concerns and doubts the light completely faded and it was only then that she realized how bright it had been. It must have been only seconds, a minutes or two at most, since the intense glow had appeared, but it had seemed like such a long time.

The Doctor - at least she tried to reason with herself on some level that that's who he was - slowly sat up and looked at both of his companions. Amy put her hand to her mouth to cover her gasp of shock, horror, and grief. She had understood that he would change to a new body, but she had not be prepared for just how complete that change would be. This man was a complete stranger who she had never seen before, yet he still wore the very familiar clothing she had come to recognize as the Doctor's typical day to day outfit. He smiled at her - at them both - with recognition.

"Thank you for not running," the stranger in the Doctor's clothing said. Even his voice was very different. Amy could only stare ahead in shock, as he waved one hand in her general direction and gave a look of trying to think of a very important thing that had slipped his mind entirely. That look he gave, she realized with worsening grief, was the look of someone trying hard to recall who someone was that he should have very well known. He had forgotten her name. The Doctor had always been known to alternate randomly between addressing her by either her first or last name seemingly whenever he felt the mood suited him. Now he could clearly not recall either one.

"I'm sorry... no don't tell me. I'll get this in a second..." he said. He stood up slowly and walked a few feet before sitting on the steps. He was so confused. Unharmed, but confused and trying to think straight. She suddenly remembered once more the night that the Doctor, the one she had come to know before this baffled stranger appeared, crashed into the shed. That same expression of slowly fading puzzlement and a look of wonder as though everything was new and amazing to him. She was at a loss for words, as she began to understand quite possibly why he might have crashed in the first place.

"Wait, I've got it!" He jumped to his feet again. "Amy Pond! Of course I remember you. From a town called Leadworth, right? And River Song, one day I will understand who you really are. No no, don't tell me... Spoilers."

Amy began to cry again. Huge wet sobbing tears spilled from her eyes as she buried her face in River's clothing. She didn't know what else to do. The Doctor had survived. He was going be be okay. But he was not _her_ Doctor anymore. _Her_ Doctor was dead and had left this new one his memories. She had known him even longer than he had known her, and now he had just completely left her again. This time forever. She cried for a few minutes and the others just let her. Then she came to her senses, looked around again, wiped the tears from her eyes and took charge of the situation, while River went back to the controls to get ready to land in a safe place she said she knew of somewhere. No one else could land right now, so that left only her to deal with other things. That certainly snapped her completely out of her grief for the moment.

The Doctor was watching both of the women, alternating his gaze from one to the other. He was still on his feet but he looked completely exhausted and very shaken up. He needed to lay down for at least a short while and rest. She would be right to show him to his bed at once, but she didn't even know where his bedroom was. In the past several years, the matter of needing to know had never come up. There were so many rooms and she had seen inside only a small number of them. She looked helplessly around at the stairs leading to the many hallways both upstairs and down. He would need to find something new to wear, and she would have to get to know his new personality. Would he still want her to travel with him? Would she still be his friend? No use worrying about any of that right then. She had to convince to sleep for a while but she could not even send him to bed at all, until she found his room. She was flustered and felt the effects of the day on her fragile nerves.

"Upstairs, to the left, fourth door on the right," River said, without taking her attention from the controls. Landing required a lot of attention, and she didn't mind at all that she hadn't looked up. She just muttered a quick thank you took the Doctor by the arm and slowly led him off. He tripped over two of the steps but assured her he was fine, thanked her again for not running away, and mumbled something about having finally just remembered after at least seven years that he really did have to sort through a storage cabinet downstairs one of these days. He reminded her vaguely of the Doctor she had lost, clumsy and rambling on about things of no relevance at all, only to quickly forget what his point actually was. She smiled slightly first to herself but then directly at him. Maybe he had been right. Perhaps endings were mearly the beginnings of something new, but not always entirely bad. There would be time later to think and understand and let everything start to make sense in her mind. She knew full well she would probably have to force herself to think about it all, so she could begin to move past her own shock that this day had caused her. But there would be time to think of that later. She led the Doctor into the hallway upstairs, stumbling a bit as she tried to help him keep his footing.

_The end._

**Please review if you feel so inclined. Reviews are more welcomed. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes: Okay so I know I said this story would not be continued and that I didn't want to create an AU 12 Doctor, but I decided to add another chapter anyway after all. Not a huge point to this one and certainly nothing as far as action goes, but I really just wanted to write about conflicting emotions mostly. This little extra does give a bit of characterization to the 12th Doctor, which was certainly interesting to write because of course we have no idea who he will actually be yet, (and hopefully won't find out for a long long time.) I must admit it's certainly fun to speculate though. **

Amy woke up in her bed on board the TARDIS, rolled over in a sleepy manner and for a moment she just lay, thinking of nothing. Soon, thoughts began to fill her head and she wondered what the days adventures would bring. The days she spent with the Doctor were so rarely dull, and they were constantly running off and seeing something or another. She opened her eyes, and slowly sat up.

Something was very different. The thought hit her as soon as she climbed slowly from the bed. Her eyes were sore and she gently touched her face, trying to understand why they hurt. Under her eyes, the skin was puffy from crying. A look at her reflection in the mirror told her that she was truly a disaster that morning. Her eyes were red, and her face was swollen and streaked with tears that she had never had a chance to wipe away. She remembered falling facedown onto her bed as a wave of tears she thought might never stop began to fall freely from her eyes. Finally alone, she could cry and cry and no one would care or be offended or worried about her. She remembered how she had, after what seemed like hours but must have been nowhere near that long, pulled her covers over herself. Hidden under the safety of the blue and white patchwork quilt she had found years before in a storage room, and claimed for her bed, she let her tears soak her pillow. She must have fallen asleep, because she had dreamed all night long of running though a red desert chased by horrible shirking flying beasts with loudly beating wings and shining yellow eyes.

The dreams had been completely forgotten the second she woke up, but now the dream images came flooding back to mind and she shuddered in fear. Dreams, or even the odd nightmare had never left a lasting effect on her. But these she knew had not been only dreams. Her mind had played out, all night long, the events of the day before. The dead run across the desert landscape of an alien planet. The Doctor's horrible fate, and finally his new appearance. The sound of screaming and shrieking, of beating wings and a lifelong friend begging her not to cry. All of these played over and over as her mind replayed the images.

She turned away from the mirror, and walked slowly toward the room's adjoining bathroom. After making herself respectable and doing her best to hide the evidence of her very recent crying episode, she went back to the bedroom and dressed in a loose fitting knitted sweater and a simple pair of jeans. Over the back of a chair hung her bloodstained pink sweater from yesterday and she promptly throw the vivid reminder of the horror of the past day into the garbage bin. She could only vaguely recall undressing and throwing her ruined clothes onto that chair, unable to even think clearly. She walked from the room with as much confidence as she could find within herself. The excitement she had felt upon waking, of new adventures, was long gone. Now that she clearly remembered everything that happened and realized again that the Doctor had left her and been replaced somehow, she was empty and filled with sadness. Nevertheless, she knew she had to find the Doctor and make sure he was alright. She remembered how tired and confused and ill looking he had been when she had showed him to his bedroom so many hours before.

Amy wandered slowly down the hall, rounded a corner and went carefully down a few steps. She finally came to the door that she had been looking for and had known was somewhere nearby, but hesitated before knocking on it. She had never been even remotely nervous at the thought of approaching the Doctor, for any reason at all. Even in the moments he was angry and she was unsure what to think, she trusted him. Now though things were slightly different. She felt like she was quite literally going to find a stranger she had met only briefly and did not know. In any case, someone had to check on him, and possibly take care of him for a while. She knocked lightly on the door.

"Doctor?" She called, quietly at first and then a bit louder when there was no answer. She knocked again, this time harder. Still no one answered back. "Doctor? Are you in there? Are you okay?" She was almost glad when she heard no answer from behind the the door . She knew that had she heard anything, she'd have not even known what to say. Nevertheless, she knew she had to try to offer to help anyway she could. Slowly and with great hesitation, she opened the door and then stepped into the room. She looked around the large but simple and practical room, but found it empty except for the furniture. Once more she was strangely relieved to not have to face the new Doctor right away. Yet her relief was mixed both with guilt over feeling so nervous about looking for someone she'd known so long, and concern for what might have become of him. She had found herself mildly lost in the TARDIS's many curving hallways many times in her travels, and it crossed her mind that in the dazed and disoriented state she'd seen him in last night, he might well have gotten lost himself. She remembered the previous night that he was barely able to stay on his feet as she led him into his bedroom, and was talking but not really making a lot of sense.

She wandered into the console room, and found River Song kneeling on the floor repacking her things into a backpack, while the strange new Doctor stood near the control panel, absently tinkering with a few loose wires. She had to admit she was relieved to have found him so easily. He looked quite a bit better too, which was a greater relief. Yet at the same time, seeing him again, allowed reality to fully hit her like a hard slap to the face.

"River," she asked from the top of the steps, "are you leaving again already?" She had only traveled with them for a couple of days. Of course she never stayed long, but Amy would have been grateful for a familiar person around for a bit longer.

"I have to be off and running again," River said. She swung the pack onto her back. "I was not even supposed to be here at this time. I have work to do." She paused for a moment and looked at Amy intently, then looked toward the Doctor who was still tinkering away. "I'm glad I ran into you two again though. I must have been meant to. It's a huge universe, yet I found the Doctor and his companion again by chance." She laughed a little. "I wasn't even trying to this time."

"Well it's a good thing you were around this time," Amy said. "I could never have dealt with such a horrible situation on my own." River looked at her again, this time in genuine concern.

"Amy," She said. "How are you feeling about all this? I know it can be hard and confusing when the Doctor changes like this. Believe me, I've seen it happen so many times."

"I... I think I'm alright," Amy answered. "I mean, I still don't know what to think. I feel like crying again, but I'll be okay. I just feel like I've lost my best friend."

"One thing you always need to remember," River said. She tightened the straps of her pack and stood ready to go off on her own again. "The Doctor has so many forms and different times in his life. In my book I have pictures of many of them, all out of order and I can't understand the correct order of any of them. They are all the same person though. He will always be the same man. Same memories, same feelings, same sense of adventure and responsibility to everyone on the side of good."

"Take care of him Amy," she said after a moment. "He'll be alright but try not to let him do too much too fast. I'll see you both again." Amy only nodded mutely and wondered what the very near future would hold now that she was traveling with almost a different person. She didn't care that River had said he was still the same man. She still could not see him as anything but different.

"Should he even be out of bed?" she asked. River once again laughed a little.

"There's no way we would ever be able to convince him to stay there for longer than he was. We decided we should leave you to sleep, but he got up and came and found me out here after a few hours. No more than four. He certainly looked better, so I knew I had no hope of arguing with him about anything."

After River had gone, Amy slowly wandered over to stand a little closer to the console. She sat down on the bench near the control panel and pulled her knees up to her chest. She was ashamed to admit it, even to herself, but she was scared to speak. Approaching a complete stranger had never been a problem for her. Goodness knows, she had even kissed so many of them, in years gone by, at parties. But this was a different situation. This stranger was not truly a stranger at all. He just looked like one. It unnerved her, but mostly it made her strangely sad all over again. She had gotten along so easily with the Doctor that she had known, She wanted so badly to be able to see this new one as the same man, but she couldn't. She wished that she could see him the same way and trust that she could act and behave exactly how she always had before, but things seemed so different now.

With her arms wrapped around her knees she watched the new Doctor, who was now intently working on a minor repair to some switch whose use she still didn't know. He had very pale skin now, and very light blond hair that was longer than before, thin and straight and clearly nearly un-tamable. He had found new clothing to wear and she was surprised at the completely new style. For the first time, she realized that she had just assumed he would probably wear something at least a bit similar to his old clothes. That was not the case at all. He now wore a very dark blue jacket that reached to a ways past his waist and was made of a thin fabric. His pants were still black, but a different style, and he had on black boots with a lot of silver buckles and silver zippers, that he tucked his pants into.

"Doctor?" Amy said, still sitting with her head resting on her knees. "Can I ask you a question?" He turned around to face her, and she noticed for the first time that his eyes were blue now. Of course he has blue eyes, she mildly scolded herself for not knowing that without even having to pay attention. With such fair skin and very blond hair the eyes would almost certainly be blue.

"Of course Amelia," he said. She was still shocked by how different his voice sounded. "But did you sleep well? I didn't want to wake you up, and I told River not to do so either. You most certainly needed to rest. You must have been in such a state of shock from everything yesterday."

"I slept alright," she answered almost surprised to find that he still very clearly cared so much about her. "I had awful dreams though. I don't know how they didn't wake me up."

"You were simply exhausted," he said, "both mentally and physically. And dreams of course can't hurt you. What were your dreams about? Do you want to talk about it?"

Amy thought for a moment about telling him, only because he had asked her. But then she decided it might only remind him of the terrifying events of yesterday. He had, in a way, died. He'd been so scared, though she wasn't sure he'd admit it now if she asked him about that. Talking about her dreams would only give him reason to relive the horror and pain he had felt, and she didn't want him to do that. He had to move forward, never backward.

"It doesn't matter," she said truthfully. "It isn't important, and I'm awake now." She saw that his shirt was white and buttoned to the top, with the collar sitting over the edges of the loose but fitted jacket. He'd tied a royal blue scarf around his neck in a somewhat decorative style. She remembered years of teasing him every chance she got, about his bow ties. She had told him time and again to get rid of them and tried to convince him that bow ties were not nearly as 'cool' as he clearly seemed to think. Now she could hardly believe it, but she missed his silly tie.

"What do you want to ask me?" the Doctor asked, interrupting her thoughts.

"This is a strange thing," Amy said, still looking up while sitting in her still position on the bench. She moved then, put her feet back onto the floor and leaned forward a little toward him. "Do you still see me as a friend? You used to call me your friend before you..." She couldn't finish the sentence. She didn't want to risk upsetting him.

"Of course I do," he answered. "You... and any of my companions of times gone by will always hold a place in my life as friends. Now, I have a question for you."

"Okay."

"Do you want to go home?"

"Home? As in home to Leadworth? No, not at all. Why, do you want me to go home?"

"No, no. Of course not. I'd get so lonely traveling on my own. I'd miss you. But if you wanted to leave I'd understand."

"No," Amy said, getting to her feet. "No way! I want to stay. I just need to get to know the new you is all."

"I need to get to know me to," the Doctor smiled faintly and then turned serious again. "It's still hard for me sometimes. After all of the times I've had to change bodies and personalities, it still isn't an easy thing to do. I quite literally don't know who I am yet. Very slowly things come to me and I learn a bit at a time what I am and what I'm not. Everything feels different. For hours I've been awake just staying quiet and thinking and wondering about myself. I don't even feel like talking a lot and and getting carried away with words. I think I will be a quieter sort this time. That's very different from what I used to be. I remember talking and talking, and being so friendly with anyone. I remember acting so strangely and odd and people thinking I was so clueless it was funny. But that's not me anymore."

"Are you alright?" Amy asked, sure he must be upset at not even knowing who he was.

"Yes," he said. "Just kind of... blank. It's impossible to explain. My personality is still unstable, still forming and settling itself. It will surely seem so strange and a bit awful for a short while." He smiled reassuringly. "I only hope not to frighten you."

"Do you even know what you look like?" Amy asked suddenly. As soon as she had said it though, she shook her head in disbelief, wondering exactly what she had been thinking with such a thing. She felt embarrassed. "Never mind. That's so silly. Of course you would know that."

"I do know," the Doctor said. He walked over and sat next to her. "I didn't at first though. I only know because I saw myself in a mirror. It wasn't a silly question at all. I never know what I look like until I see my reflection for the first time. That never ceases to be a strange feeling as you may well imagine."

Amy hugged him. She had hugged the old Doctor many times, and been hugged by him just as often. Of course she had no idea if he would still appreciate that, but the worst he could do was push her away. She knew he could not be having an easy time by any means, and she hoped beyond hope that they could provide comfort to each other as they had done so many times before. She felt his arms wrap around her shoulders and for a moment it felt familiar.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

"Does what hurt? I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're asking."

"Anything."

"No, I'm not in pain if that's what you mean. I just feel mildly ill and a bit tired, but also wide awake and wanting to take off running again."

"You really should be back to bed."

"No way. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I rarely sleep much you know. I can rest just as well sitting up out here. I'd rather stay here and keep talking with you. It seems it's helping me get my head straight." He let her go and they sat together just like the old friends they clearly were still perhaps capable of remaining.

"What do you want to talk with me about?" Amy asked.

"Doesn't matter," the Doctor said, "but conversing is giving me a bit of a mental focus which I think I need this time."

"It's always different each time, then?"

"Oh yes. Very very different. Sometimes I am alright but others I might have a few slight issues for a short time. There have even been a couple times I thought I was in serious trouble. Scared a few former companions, unfortunately."

"So you can remember each experience?"

"Yes, of course I can. I also remember all of what I used to be. It's all a part of my life."

"Well it's wonderful that you can remember all of your other lives of course. But sad that you remember the very end of them as well, and changing. Isn't it basically like being aware of dying?"

"That's difficult to explain. You couldn't possibly understand." Amy might have, when hearing something like that from anyone else, been annoyed that someone would hint that she was incapable of understanding something he could. But this was different. She knew he was in no way calling her stupid, but was instead stating that humans would just not ever be able to fully relate. "I even view the matter differently myself at different times. Most recently though, no it didn't feel like dying... not really. Of course this time I was in such a bad state. I honestly just wanted it all to be over with." Amy's eyes opened wider with fear and a sense of dread over something he had said.

"So," she said slowly, "You remember yesterday? No, I'm sorry. Never mind. We shouldn't mention that."

"Amelia," he said, taking both of her hands and looking her in the eyes. He smiled at her. "I've seen so much in my long and impossible life so far. When you've lived over nine hundred years you're bound to see and experience so many things. I don't think running into same angry creatures is going to leave severe lasting emotional damage; even if those creatures did try their hardest to kill me. Hard for you to believe I know, but I've been through worse."

"I'm more worried about you," he said after a few moments. "Please be honest. Are you okay?"

"The horrible dreams I had last night," Amy answered slowly, still trying to choose her words so as not to upset him. She was trying to not to start crying in grief or shaking in fear again. "I kept dreaming about running across the sand and tripping over rocks trying to stay ahead of those flying things, and about how you were attacked and picked up off the ground. I could hear so much screaming and..." She wiped a tear from one of her eyes. "It was always a bit different in some way. Of course I was dreaming about things that really happened. But not always exactly. Once, you were dead when you hit the ground and River tried but couldn't do anything. Another time, those creatures managed to tip the TARDIS over and it rolled down a hill, injuring all of us."

"Dreams are sometimes the mind's way of working out things it's seen and felt and experienced," the Doctor said, slowly and thoughtfully. "Even the bad ones, actually especially the bad ones I think."

Amy sat for a short while, looking around the console room and just thinking and trying to get everything straight in her head. The new Doctor certainly seemed easy to get along with. He wanted her to stay on board and travel with him. He still needed a friend and wanted it to be her. She missed his previous self so much however. She was beginning to see how they really could be the same person, but it was still a strange thought to her. He had been part of her life for much longer than she'd been part of his, she realized for the first time, When he had taken off so long ago, back when she was only seven, he really had from his point of view been gone only five minutes. Yet she had had twelve years to think about him, to wonder if he was real, and to know in the back of her mind that he was. She had given up hope of him ever coming back long before he really had, but still she dreamed about that strange blue box and the silly man in the torn clothing. After twelve years, and then finally two more after he was late in returning yet again, she had finally gone with him to see everything he could think of to show her.

She was an adult by then of course, and he was no longer a childhood imaginary friend she dreamed of playing silly games with. She had come to see just how dangerous his life was, and how dangerous life anywhere near him could become. It wasn't all danger though of course. Many times they traveled to amazing and beautiful places and he taught her all about the history and customs of alien races and showed her the wonders of science and invention. She had come to see that he was brilliant and kind and understanding, and he became her best friend. Had she loved him? She asked her self that a time or two and now she asked herself again. But no, she didn't. Well she did but it was a very different kind of love. It was admiration and loyalty, bound by friendship. They had seen so much together and he had always tried as hard as he could to protect her whenever trouble somehow found them. She lamented now that it did seem to find them so often. She could not count the number of times they had gone off only seeking an urban outdoor festival, or a place to watch the sun fall on a far away world, only to find themselves either running for their lives, or fighting to save a species. The last adventure with the Doctor as she had known him, had started with a simple trip to look for some kind of substance in the sand, that he thought might one day prove to be useful in repairing faulty wiring. Last time he had been out that way, she remembered sadly, he'd said he'd found the planet completely uninhabited.

"Don't answer if you don't want to," Amy said snapping herself out of her thoughts, "but what's it like to completely change your body?" She paused looked at him sadly, and then without meaning to, shook slightly at the memory. "It looked like it definitely must have hurt... a lot. Are you sure you're alright? I can't even imagine how you simply got right back up again." The Doctor that Amy had known, while he certainly did talk a lot, and about most anything and everything, was not the sort that ever really spoke much about his own personal life. He used to listen for a brief time whenever she made a comment of personal importance to him, and then promptly change the subject, spin himself around quickly on his heels, and facing the other direction, walk off. She recalled just how strangely bad his social skills seemed to be much of the time, and she laughed to herself, wondering if most of the time he'd only been putting on that kind of act for some reason or another. In any case, this new Doctor seemed to her to be much more willing to talk about things that she assumed the one she had known probably would have walked away from. He was not only more willing too, it seemed. It seemed he needed to. It helped him to get his own thoughts and feelings on the whole ordeal straight for himself.

"No Amelia," he answered. "I understand why it must have looked as if I was in pain, but I wasn't, not by that time. It's not supposed to be a painful thing at all. There have been a couple times it hurt but shouldn't have... one that was honestly pretty horrible that I can recall, but that's not what's supposed to happen." He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then just sat quietly for a moment before getting to his feet again. It was only then that she noticed he was not as tall as she remembered her Doctor being. She was quite tall for a woman, but he had been quite a bit taller than she was. Now she thought that standing near one another she might even be as tall as he was.

He began pressing buttons on the console and then walked slowly around to pull a couple of switches on the other side, while reaching to turn on the monitor. He used to rush around from one side to the other doing several things at once and she often wondered how he didn't either get confused, lose track of what he was doing and press a wrong button, or trip over his own feet and fall. Now he looked more thoughtful and careful about what he was intent on doing.

"Should we even be going anywhere?" she asked in alarmed concern, jumping up from her seat. "Should you really be trying to fly now?"

"I'm fine," the Doctor said, with the same confidence she had come to know well. "We can't stay where we are for much longer, without a risk of being seen. Come over here, Amelia. You can help me."

"Me? But I've never really helped fly before. You've never shown me much."

"You've never asked me too. I think though that you should know at least how to dematerialize into the vortex if anything terrible ever arises." Amy went to stand beside him at the console.

"Is now really the time to be trying to teach me anything?" she argued in concern.

"I managed to save the world last time," the Doctor said, laughing slightly. He paused, very briefly. "Of course this was after I somehow managed to crash hard and nearly destroy my ship, and I think I must have set my time controls wrong when I tried to jump forward five minutes."

Amy looked at him doubtfully for a moment. She hated to much to doubt his judgment, but she had not a clue as to whether he knew what he was doing or not. Of course, in typical Doctor fashion, his attempt to convince her of the safety of his decision had done little but make her nervous about it. He did that on purpose, she knew. He tried to scare her just a little bit once in a while just because he wanted her to experience the adventure of not knowing what exactly would happen. She smiled when she realized that his attitude toward the sense of uncertainly was the same as that of the Doctor she knew. She, with only slight hesitation took hold of the lever he told her to hold onto, and placed her other hand on the button nearby.

"Pull that switch down," the Doctor said, clearly excited about being off again, "don't let go of it until you push that button all the way down. Then release both quickly." Trusting that this was not going to be his next major crash, and fully aware that crashing when already landed would be hard for even him to manage to do, she followed his directions.

"Amelia, hold on!" the Doctor said, already holding onto the front of the console himself. Amy quickly hung on as the whole thing shook as it normally did as they took off. They both almost fell right over backwards onto the floor. She pulled herself up from her kneeling position and found her sense of balance once again.

"Why do you keep calling me Amelia?" she asked, as she pulled herself back up from the position she had fallen into. "I'm Amy now. I've been Amy for years. I told you that when you first came back." Everything continued to shake around for a short while, and she continued to hold on.

"But Amelia is a beautiful name," the Doctor said. When the wild movement stopped and it was safe to do so, he gently took her by the arm and lead her over to the side he was standing on, to show her more over there.

"Too fairy tale," she said stubbornly.

"What's wrong with fairy tales?"

"Nothing really, but my full name is childish and silly."

_Oh for the love of... _Amy remarked silently to herself. The Doctor she had known and lost had so often insisted on calling her by her last name. Now this new one wanted to constantly call her by her full proper first name... and he knew full well she hated it! She found herself laughing suddenly.

"Amelia Pond made herself known yesterday," Amy said feeling silly and ridicules for even saying what she was going to say, but also sure he might actually understand her anyway. "The small helpless child trying to take care of herself and barely knowing what to do in a situation that was over her head and that scared her. The innocent child facing her biggest tragedy and realizing she was useless to do anything but hide her tears and try to seem sufficient enough."

"Amy," the Doctor said in a serious tone. "No one has to be efficient, and completely courageous, and with emotions hidden all the time. No one ever could be. Even I can't do that."

"Okay," Amy answered. That simple reply was the only thing she could think of to say. She watched him working the controls. He seemed to be steady on his feet now, and perfectly normal... if that is, one could ever consider the Doctor to be normal. She almost laughed a little again at that thought. Was it wrong or crazy, she wondered to herself, that she missed her friend. How could she miss him when he was still here? Things will turn out. She told herself with true conviction, that that's what he would have told her. He would have said that never really knowing how everything would turn out, but just believing that anything could, as part of life's adventure. She suddenly felt somewhat terrible for her negative feelings again. Sure she had lost a best friend, not not entirely. He still existed and of course he still knew her and wanted her to stay around. Yet, he himself had literally no idea ever who exactly he was yet. Of course she was hurt by the friend she had known for so long leaving her, this time forever, when he had told her he'd always come back. But really, she had to reason with herself, he _had _come back. He looked very different, and was certainly acting a bit unlike someone she had come to know, but he really was still the same person.

How did he really feel, she could not help asking herself. He seemed to be steady and stable and even happy and excited to start over again, but remembering all of the times he had hid as much as he could of how he felt, so as not to upset anyone else, she had her own slight doubts. His terrified eyes, as he looked up at her yesterday, while she talked to him, trying to hard to help him to calm himself, still haunted her. For all of his confidence and apparent self assurance, she had come to understand something about him, that she knew she should have known all along. He was for from immune to fear and pain and uncertainty. He was only a mortal being, who just happened to be stronger and braver and far more amazing than most. She was sure that now, even though he seemed fine, there must have been so much confusion in his head. He might even be willing to talk about it, if he knew how, but she didn't think he did. He'd said all he could, and would have to just get to know everything all over again. She wished her emotions would stop shifting direction so fast. She didn't know if she was happy or sad, or scared or in a state of wonder.

He had come crashing into her yard, and her life, at the beginning of his previous life. That was clear to her now. His hints as to the fact had finally added up in her head. She thought back to her seven year old self, simply laughing slightly and saying she thought he was funny, but all the while feeling concerned about his odd actions. He'd assured her that he was fine, and she had trusted that he was. After all, he was a grown up and grown ups knew better than children, she had always been told. When she saw him again twelve years later, she was sad to admit to herself now, she'd been so mad at him for saying only five minutes and waiting many years, that she barely noticed how tired he looked, and how hard he needed to think just to get things done.

He had been all alone when he crash landed all those years ago. The fact hit her like a brick to the back of the head. That had to mean that the life he'd lived before she knew him had ended while he was all by himself. She had not known him in that lifetime of course, but still the thought saddened her for a reason she didn;t understand. Of course he hadn't died, but still she thought it was terrible, if for no other reason than that he really should have someone to make sure he was alright. She was glad she said she would stay this time. Watching him though, as he read the monitor screen, and pushed buttons, before slowly turning to a new task, she wondered if she was really more concerned than she needed to be. Already he seemed better than he had not long before.

Still standing close to him, she stepped closer after he stopped pressing buttons, and tried to hug him again. Once again he hugged her back tightly. She wished to express acceptance of whatever he was to become from then on. So far he seemed so different yet so much the same. She would never have thought such a contradiction was possible until then, but as she was still learning all too well, with the Doctor so many things were possible.

"Gotcha," she said quietly, disparately hoping that the simple message they had sent to each other so many times through that tiny simple word, would still have meaning to him now. He said nothing at all, but she did see a bright smile appear on his face as they stepped away from one another. He raced forward and pulled open the to the outside. A look of wonder, excitement and happiness was clear in his blue eyes as he turned back briefly to grab her by the hand. He pulled her forward after him. Laughing, she stumbled to catch up. He may not have given a response like he so often used to, but she knew he understood anyway. Now he was only intent on finding the next amazing and wonderful thing in time and space, and she was happy for that. She stepped out onto a grass covered hill in the early evening.

"Amelia... err, sorry... Amy, isn't that the most beautiful sunset ever?" The Doctor remarked, pointing to the two setting suns in the distance, over the hills.

Amy sat down on the soft grass and watched the suns go down and once again daydreamed of a million possibilities, knowing that the things she had yet to see were beyond anything she might daydream.


End file.
